Meaning

"It's funny how things take on a meaning once they're over... that's when the story begins."

We talk and talk. One word comes after another, but it is only when the music of the voice tells us that the full stop is coming that we finally understand where the words are leading us. We get on with our lives and facts pile up, but it is only when time allows us to look back at ourselves that we understand where our lives were leading.

It is only because the words succeed one another and then die that their meaning can emerge.

When our childhood comes to an end, we turn it into narrative, and when our lives are coming to an end, we discover why we had to live them. It is time that makes us aware of meaning, most times we discover them too late.

This is probably the longest I've ever spent in one place - almost 10 years. When it's finally close to being over I can't help wondering why I'm trying so hard to get away? Then after I've made the decision, why is it so hard to leave?

I guess I don't relate to change as well as I used to, being in one place for so long will do that to you. In recent days I've been struck by the very idea of mortality. We will change, we will move on, then we will die. It's nothing new but the finality of it all just hit me.

But why now? Looking back, all the past changes did not effect me as much as this one did. As a family we used to move so much that I had to change 3 kindergartens, 4 primary schools and 3 high schools. Then there was college, 2 years here then 2 years there. Emotional attachment never meant anything. I detach myself from people, places, things - it became a kind of defense mechanism against feeling the change.

I detached my feelings from my family, my friends - myself. So much so that I've often forget who I really am. When I find something or someone, I seem to willingly change, metamorphose into a person that would get along well with that person. I adapt quickly, even abandoning things that matter to me, or used to matter. I tell myself it's part of the change process. Repeat this a thousand times and it can be very damaging.

I don't think I can do that anymore. After 10 years of accepting people, faces, places - things; it's now so hard to let them go. It is as if I have gathered all the people and all the places and all the memories that matter to me, held them really close, locked them in my heart and never let them go. But then again everyone changes sooner or later - I need to learn something new, acceptance.

I don't usually remember people, places. I forget them. So I don't remember. I never take pictures of myself. I never take pictures with people. I don't collect trinkets or memories. I don't buy souveniers for myself. Nothing reminds me of anything. When something has passed, it is gone. Acceptance is a foreign word when there are no memories to accept.

So meaning is becoming important. I need to figure out what it all means.