Monday, April 30, 2007
remnants of happier times
coffee mixed with tea
a bun of coconut jam and butter
inviting dark and light
sweet like a gentle gesture
of hands on hands
not what I'm used to. Aching.
sixty years on the walls
reminders that things change
but we remain old inside
an old haunt
a place for lovers
Copyright ©2007 Rizal Repin
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
It is then that I really fall into place with myself. The little moments of quiet contemplation or meditation does a lot to assuage any pain or anguish I may be harboring.
I'm afraid of being alone - but I like to be left alone. Does it make sense? It's not about being alone, but about being lonely. I suppose my greatest fear is to live life and die unremembered.
So I try to be still. There is comfort in the quietness of things. It reminds me that my fears are still alive that it is there in that empty room with me, waiting to steal a few more moments of my short existence. Fear robs us of our ability to move forward and our ability to live our lives.
In much the same vein, love does the same thing. Love freezes us from moving forward and only when we learn to let it go - little by little - we begin to learn to live again. It is with our parents, our first loves, our husbands and wives.
Yeah you may disagree. The purists will say love is always there and it evolves, changes as the relationship develops. But is not the evolution of love also is its dissolution? Don't we feel like it's easier to love less the longer the love lasts? If we did not let go of love, won't we all still be tied to our parents bosom - unable and unwilling to let go and move on? Maybe we don't want to admit it but as our relationship progresses, we become more comfortable to let go of love.
Maybe love is meant to be temporary and falls out as soon as we stop needing it? Maybe I'm wrong.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
You can download the full list from HERE .
FDA reports 16 related pet deaths, due to kidney failure, but organisations say the numbers are already into the thousands. Symptoms are lethargy, loss of appetite or vomiting.
I still haven't started on the check list the company's given me to clear out before I can leave. Maybe it's because I'm still thinking about it, maybe it's because I know there are a couple of things on the list that I just can't tick off yet. So why bother starting when you KNOW you can't finish it off. I'm such a procrastinator.
Apparently I'm a loser too. I just discovered my sister's blogs. Very nice. So spent a few minutes going through that. Then checked out the World's Best Travel Site... check it out, you won't be disappointed. But remember I'm biased towards the author.
Day by day as I think about the month of June 2007. It's a big month, a very important time. It means I'm starting someplace new, I'm moving on as they say. A couple more of my closest friends are getting married. CM in Australia is finishing his PHD and it's less than a month away from the Baby's due date. You know if I was an astrologer I'd be looking for strange lunar and planetary alignments, it's just too close you know? Maybe the universe or rather my universe is saying something - maybe it's been saying it but I've just recently listened.
I'm going down to Singapore early May to check out the company, have a meeting with the new boss, decide on the handover and maybe just maybe catch up with the relatives I have there. It's a lot to do for just one and half days. I've been fiddling with the idea of travelling to Brisbane to check on CM before he graduates - but there are things messing with the schedule. Not sure if its a good time to go, it's too close to the Singapore trip and the flights are full.
A psychologist said that trusting your gut instinct is important and the best decisions are the ones made without long deliberation. Apparently there is another brain at work, a subconscious lower level brain that processes intensely and rationally but at lightning speed. That's where hunches, gut feeling and all the gamut come from. Psychologists call it "thin slicing" defined as the ability of our unconscious to arrive at a conclusion by recognising patterns in situation and people based on narrow "slices" of experience. It's what I'd call your true desire. We don't know it, but it's there. When we felt that something is good and we do it, that's where the decision was made.
This move was rather like that for me. It was an impulse. Much like getting married. In the early weeks of the resignation in fact I did use that very same analogy. I decided to change jobs in much the same way as I decided to marry, rather suddenly, without thought or reason. It was gut instinct telling me it was time to go. Perhaps that's why in both occassions, I can't really describe my motivations. I don't really know... and that's how it's meant to be, I suppose.
Seen: Faces in my dreams
Heard: Heaven, Nidji
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope
Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again
I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back
And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope
Copyright ©2007 Switchfoot
Drifting further every day,
Getting lost within myself,
Nothing matters no one else.
I have lost the will to live,
Simply nothing more to give,
There is nothing more for me,
Need the end to set me free.
Things not what they used to be,
Missing one inside of me,
Deathly lost, this can't be real,
Cannot stand this hell I feel.
Emptiness is filling me,
To the point of agony,
Growing darkness taking dawn,
I was me, but now he's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late,
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed,
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye.
Copyright ©2007 James Hetfield
Thursday, April 12, 2007
We talk and talk. One word comes after another, but it is only when the music of the voice tells us that the full stop is coming that we finally understand where the words are leading us. We get on with our lives and facts pile up, but it is only when time allows us to look back at ourselves that we understand where our lives were leading.
It is only because the words succeed one another and then die that their meaning can emerge.
When our childhood comes to an end, we turn it into narrative, and when our lives are coming to an end, we discover why we had to live them. It is time that makes us aware of meaning, most times we discover them too late.
This is probably the longest I've ever spent in one place - almost 10 years. When it's finally close to being over I can't help wondering why I'm trying so hard to get away? Then after I've made the decision, why is it so hard to leave?
I guess I don't relate to change as well as I used to, being in one place for so long will do that to you. In recent days I've been struck by the very idea of mortality. We will change, we will move on, then we will die. It's nothing new but the finality of it all just hit me.
But why now? Looking back, all the past changes did not effect me as much as this one did. As a family we used to move so much that I had to change 3 kindergartens, 4 primary schools and 3 high schools. Then there was college, 2 years here then 2 years there. Emotional attachment never meant anything. I detach myself from people, places, things - it became a kind of defense mechanism against feeling the change.
I detached my feelings from my family, my friends - myself. So much so that I've often forget who I really am. When I find something or someone, I seem to willingly change, metamorphose into a person that would get along well with that person. I adapt quickly, even abandoning things that matter to me, or used to matter. I tell myself it's part of the change process. Repeat this a thousand times and it can be very damaging.
I don't think I can do that anymore. After 10 years of accepting people, faces, places - things; it's now so hard to let them go. It is as if I have gathered all the people and all the places and all the memories that matter to me, held them really close, locked them in my heart and never let them go. But then again everyone changes sooner or later - I need to learn something new, acceptance.
I don't usually remember people, places. I forget them. So I don't remember. I never take pictures of myself. I never take pictures with people. I don't collect trinkets or memories. I don't buy souveniers for myself. Nothing reminds me of anything. When something has passed, it is gone. Acceptance is a foreign word when there are no memories to accept.
So meaning is becoming important. I need to figure out what it all means.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.
I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
1) Publish my book.
2) Compile my poetry, maybe print some of them.
3) Fall in love and stay in love again and again...
4) Be at peace with myself and my loved ones.
5) Go to Mecca and complete the Haj.
6) Revisit the places that have created the best memories for me.
7) Be a good person.
Seven Things I Could Do
1) Be present.
2) Start writing my story.
3) Work on being happy.
4) Work on my marriage.
5) Keep in touch with my friends.
6) Love my family.
7) Have no regrets.
Seven Things I do to be Happy
1) Play RPG.
2) Connecting with friends.
3) Have a good conversation.
4) Listen to loud music - fun music.
I tag everyone who reads this... Let me know who you are in my comments so I can read yours! For those wondering why this is a revisit, check out the original post here.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Ode to a Muffin
I can't finish my muffin,
Oh what am I to do?
My stomach seems fully sated,
My mouth wish not to chew.
But oh wonderful muffin,
So rich with wild blueberries.
You seem so delicious now,
Truly the food of faeries.
There's only a small morsel,
left upon the cup.
Why, oh why please tell me,
Why can't I gobble you straight up?
You sit there and tease me,
And laugh as I choke my throat.
Oh muffin of wild blueberries,
Shall I stock you in my coat?
So then I can eat you later,
When my mouth feels like a bite,
But oh delicious muffin,
you're far too small and light.
Oh fair delicious muffin,
No more than a little lump,
My questions are without answers,
So have fun in the dumps.
Copyright ©2007 Rizal Repin