Friday, December 21, 2007
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see
Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me
Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What do we think we might see
Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me
Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called the young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Wish I had my camera with me when I took off to Dubai. Finally managed to get in after about a 2.5 hour delay then another 4.5 hour wait for my hotel room. It felt like a long trip. However, since I was sans camera I can only describe the things I saw there and it really was a very beautiful city, quite clean and with heavy traffic typical of any metropolis.
The skyline of Dubai has been under construction for the past 15 years I guess and it still is. The changes have been staggering, they are accomplishing in 15 years what most cities took decades to pull off. Its amazing what money can do for you. The gem of the city was this enormous spire of the still-under-construction Burj Dubai Tower a massive skyscraper that seems to have been plucked straight out from the planet Coruscant (that's from Star Wars for you newbies). It's very sci fi...
The trip itself was a succession of meetings and conference papers one after another so nothing too interesting to write about. Several dinners and many hours of just talking. But I do think I'd like to go back to Dubai on holiday one of these days, it could be a very good vacation place although a bit expensive. The weather is very nice in December, as its winter temperatures stayed at about 20 degrees. But since it's also peak season, coming to Dubai in December mean 4 figure hotel rooms and traffic jams.
The last night of the trip a bunch of friends and I managed to sneak out to a local disco... the music sucked, but we were there just to look around anyway. Almost missed my flight since I was stuck in a bloody traffic jam outside of the airport for almost an hour, despite the flight being at 2.30 in the morning. Next time I fly SIA, at least theirs is during daylight hours.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Now I could go back and maybe sleep an hour or so, or more likely play a few rounds of computer games. But that would mean about $15 bucks each way to the taxi driver. Not feeling particularly generous today so decided to try and find something to eat and zzzz at the airport. For the record it is now 1.37 AM. I am normally trying to sleep at this time.
Changi at night is quite different from the day. There's far less people even though the duty free shops are still open and a handful of restaurants. Clearly most of these poor souls wandering like zombies through the nearly empty airport halls have similarly delayed flights or are in somekind of cruel and unusual transit in the middle of the morning, the same kind that I was in nearly 13 years ago.
Most are just trying to pass the time, watching the many TVs here, having drinks or food. I looked at the 24 hour food mart and only 1 stall was open, unfortunately I wasn't particularly feeling like any Shanghai Noodles so I bought some really bad pastry at Jack's had 3 bites and threw it away, gluped down my really expensive bottle of mineral water and decided to go look for a place to sleep before getting myself distracted by the free internet PCs here. Clearly the airport is infinitely more fun to hangout in than our own back home.
I hope I have time to rest in a bit. So we'll continue this next time.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
The teddy is from his aunt, no it didn't come as a going away present from the uni. The wierd looking hat is the dresscode for PHD holders known as a bonnet... heheh yeah the same kind babies used to wear.
He's looking for a job now. So if anyone is looking for a briliant PHD grad for some computer engineering work, with excellent teaching records and some industrial experience as well. Give em a buzz... just comment on this post.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Still have so much to do with that website, want to move it to another location because the godaddy server is just too slow with the update tools. Things to do include:
1. Edit her videos! We've got 2.5 hours of tape on her, but I haven't gotten around to editing it.
2. Move the website to someplace easier to access and faster too. Wish I know html/xml then at least easier to build the website.
But easier said than done since most of my free time has been in crysis. Those in the know, know what I mean. I've got to end the crysis before I can do anything else without getting distracted.
Anyway, recently I bought a kickass PC - it's an Intel Quad Core, 2 GB ram, 2 hard drives including a super fast Raptor and an 8800GT video card. Also got a 22 inch flatron monitor... muahaha. It's huge but amazingly quiet. But I made the mistake of running Windows Vista.
To all who are contemplating to buy a new PC, do NOT, and I repeat DO NOT buy Windows Vista, it is the most useless piece of crap that has ever been produced by Microsoft... ok it's not as bad as Windows ME... but still pretty useless. I went and bought the Ultimate version... sigh.. waste of money seriously because I'm actually seriously thinking about stepping back to XP.
If you think Vista will be better after Service Pack 1, well think again, Microdicks have just announced the extension of XP until I think 31 Jan 2008 and releasing SP 3 for XP. What's worse is that beta tests of the two show that XP with SP3 still kicks Vista's fat ass even with SP1, so there... Don't buy Vista... at least not yet... wait until end of next year, at least...
I bought Vista for DX10- thinking I'd see some major differences. But noooo.. nada, almost the same as DX9c. In fact I games run slower on Vista. Stoopid...
Otherwise things have been okay, been going back to KL almost every weekend. I think I missed 1 or 2 only. Plus this coming weekend I'm not heading back so that makes it 3 times only. Not a bad record... it's tiring, but it's hard not to go back when you've got this face...
Monday, November 12, 2007
Been meaning to update Sophie's blog lately but between work, surfing the web and playing games I've kinda put it off for a while. All the time I've also been resisting the temptation of putting more of her pics on my site since I want to keep this me. Not her. But alas, she's too cute to resist, and since blogger is so damn addictively easy to use trying to learn a new one like wordpress or making my own at her URL is getting to be a handful and too much of a hassle.
So here are some new pics:
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Raya was a 4 day affair, we reached Melaka just in time for Buka on Friday. Buka at grand ma's house was a quiet one, simply had the Raya food of Ketupat and the condiments. Ate a lot, but the thing is we'd be eating the same thing for the next 3 days anyway - no veggies or fruits intake for the entire weekend, it was ketupat, rendang and kari non stop.
So this week week, at least today anyway I've got a little stomach flu. Or indigestion or something, could be bad food from yesterday's dinner, but it's probably a good idea not to eat so much today. However I've got a lunch appo with a customer this afternoon... so much for resting the stomach.
Took lots of videos during the holidays, I'll probably only post them up when I get my PC and do some editing. It was nice to see Sophie with her moyang again, took some videos of that too, but no pictures this time.
So today I'm back to work, the market's gone a bit nutty over the Eid now have to ease myself back into place.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Will be back next week in KL again. Baby's doing fine and I'm in the process of building her a webpage so there's a place for updates and pictures without me having to upload them here. Then at least anything Sophia related will be centralised. Her website and URL have already been selected, I'm in the process of choosing where the blog will be hosted.
Hehe... it's probably too early to give your daughter a website and own URL address, but she'll probably appreciate it when she's older. I predict domain names and online real estate will be tight by the time she grows up so it'll be good to book early. For instance, you can also get to this site by heading to http://www.rizalrepin.com/
Meanwhile, here are some latest pictures:
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
1) Move into apartment at Payar Lebar, 5min walk from MRT, 10min from wet market and just behind a mosque... haha... not bad eh?
2) Baby born - yes... you saw the pics, Sophia Meiyin Rizal, 16 July 2007.
3) I'm gonna be busy after this.. travelling back to KL and also other places... will try to expand more on the points later.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
because it was already brittle and cracked.
It happens really really slowly
grinding to pieces like an iceberg,
it clicks and pops,
keeping me awake a long time.
It used to whisper to me at night,
stories of love and dreams, now become noise.
Louder when I close my eyes,
silencing only after it breaks
drifting stoically farther away,
its secrets meant for distant shores.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
So far it's been... well... educational to say the least. In the last two weeks I've been harrased by customs, travelled Singapore-KL-Singapore three times, looked at apartments and not finding any good ones, lost my wallet, found it again, waited 2 hours for taxi, gotten lost, walked at least 20 km over 5 days, lost a pair of pants, moved out of a hotel into another one, then moved back into the first one again and that was just stuff outside work.
I think the trend will likely continue, although I'm kinda waiting for the good bits to start coming in.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Well a cheese sandwich later I'm on the plane to Paris and almost instantly arrived, yeah I fell asleep. Didn't get much sleep last night. Paris airport was a bit confusing, coming out of the gate I couldn't tell which way to go. So having the old Brittish tendency of following queues I did, I looked for the longest queue and just stood there. Now a proper way would be to ask someone, which I did eventually and discovered that, obviously I've wasted 15 minutes in the wrong queue and had to get out to another terminal.
Cutting things short, when I finally got to the terminal and found the check in counter I thought my ordeal was over. I was going to have an ice cream, maybe some lunch and then hang out at the boarding gate until it was time to leave. But as fate would have it..
"Excuse me! Sir can you come over here please."
"French customs, please come with us,"
"French customs, we need you to come with us."
"Do you have anything valuable in your bag worth more than 7500 Euro?"
"Is this your only bag? Do you have check-in?"
No, this is my only bag.
"Are you sure?"
...Yes I am.
It was two men in vests, one was short, balding with stubby hair and the other a taller brown haired guy. Both appeared very dodgy and had a slightly thuggish demeanor but would easily be picked out as plainclothes policemen. They took my boarding pass and passport which was in my hands, and the taller one grabbed my one and only luggage leaving me with no choice but to follow them.
I was taken into a security room upstairs behind one of the customs information counters that was set up. The room was dark and my first thought was "great I'm going to get gang-raped by a gay frenchmen and put into a porn video, I hope they give me marketing rights for Asia."
One of them guarded the closed door while the other helped me open my luggage and take out everything. They went through all the envelopes, my business cards and clothes, then poked around underneath the bag and inbetween all the zippers. Then they began going through a series of questions all designed to confuse me and make me look guilty.
"Why were you in Brussels?"
"Is this your only luggage?"
"What do you do?"
"How long were you in Brussels?"
"Were you in Amsterdam?"
"Why were you in Amsterdam?"
"Where did you stay?"
"Where do you work?"
"What work do you do?"
And so on and so forth. I guess that went on for over 30 minutes and by the time I was done being searched, I've lost the window and appetite to have lunch. My flight was leaving in under an hour, and I've still yet to figure out where the gate is! They let me go, looking a little disappointed, can't blame em, caught the wrong guy - you bastards!
I found my way to the gate, of course there was a long queue again, and luckily the flight waited because I got there just in time. It was good to be able to just sit down on the plane and vegetate for a while, I've got only one day rest before I have to fly down to Singapore. That was quite an adventure.
Friday, June 15, 2007
The flight was supposed to leave at 1850pm however the dark skies should have signaled something to me. A long chain of cars blocked the Citroen taxi from getting into the highway that leads to the Brussels International Airport. The taxi driver was expert enough in maneuvering his machine around the trucks and cars but the stop-and-go motion of the ride was seriously making me nauseous. I had considered asking him to slow down and that we have plenty of time, but the fact that he arrived late and was insanely in a hurry to get somewhere else - I decided to let the man do his job.
We arrived in one piece, or rather I managed to hold down my cookies until we reached the airport. Check in was simple enough, they had managed to check me in all the way through provided I make the connection in Amsterdam. Earlier that day, with some help I had already forseen this to be a problem and had tried very hard to make an earlier flight that should give some time for weather delays, but all flights were full. So here I am stuck on the 1850pm flight waiting at the gate - hoping that the delay is not too long for me to catch the other leg to KL. I only have 1 hour. Not enough by any standard.
I checked my watch, its now 1915pm, and there was this tiny propeller type plane, a Fokker 50 from what I can tell at the gate. It's so tiny the boarding ramps can't connect to it obviously, so we probably have to climb down and climb through a window or something and start paddling for all I know. The crowd was getting really anxious, more than half the plane was on transit in Schiphol Airport and everyone was missing their connections.
I asked a French dude what was happening and he related about the weather delays, them sending in a smaller plane due to the original one was delayed. We finally boarded at around 1945 and my carry-on was too big for the plane and was chucked in with the luggage. I was seated at 14F - the single aisle of the plane separated two rows of seats on either side. I walked down all the way to the back and found my chair with some guy in it. It was the last seat on the plane, right in the corner.
A few more people got on, apparently there are some people with tickets to row 15. Row 15? The plane only had 14 bloody rows! A guy showed up with a ticket for 12B, there was no 12B, just row A and C, where the hell was he going to sit? I finally took a neighbour, an Italian girl heading to Venice, she had 15D. Much confusion - laughing and threats to sit in with the luggage - later we finally got an apology from the pilot (whom we can see having drinks and pretzels in the cockpit). The around 2000hrs we took off on a very bumpy ride.
Needless to say I missed my connection. We landed at about 10 minutes to 2100hrs but the bus ride to the terminal took forever. Three scotsmen were calling the terminal about the flights shouting out the results.
"So where yer goin? Kuala Lumpur, Kuala Lumpur?"
"Kuala Lumpur!", he shouts into the phone.
"Boarding, next . Cork? Cork?"
"Boarding, who else? Anyone going to Singapore? On time 2130."
"Anyone else? Venice? Rescheduled for 2200."
The the Frenchman asked for Bordeaux, when was it leaving?
"Bordeaux? Nah we don't care about that, it's French!"
Funny people. Finally, most people made their connections, because they were also delayed. My flight was on time for once and of course I missed it. The Italian girl also missed her flight back home but was among friends. It took me 45 minutes to get the connection back to KL out of Paris at noon the next day. I had to spend the night somewhere and then take the early flight tomorrow to Paris... ah Paris...
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
The troubles of the world then I;
Will carry them in my arms away,
So you will never face dismay.
For sorrow never has blessings brought,
And sadness never meant for naught;
Like darkness it will blind your way,
Then further lead your heart astray.
No burden should your soul to bear,
In silence nor solitary air;
No trouble should you keep alone,
No worry should you keep your own.
But together we may set it free,
The weight that sets on you and me.
We'll set it on the winds that blows,
That faith and hope may now regrow.
No burden so heavy,
That two can't carry.
For me or you I can't deny,
All that your heart is burdened by.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
But yeah I can get rather formal at times, especially given that I've practically sent out my blog address to everyone well almost everyone I know doesn't help either. But we'll leave that discussion for another time.
The trip to Brussels was great. On the second last day I finally managed to drag my sorry ass out of the hotel after work and head 20 minutes downtown to see the sights. Obviously I got lost almost immediately and got on the wrong train. Duh. Well things were in French, luckily I realised the mistake almost immediately and got off at the next stop to wait for the real one. Fortunately that train stops there too, if not it may have been a disaster.
The sun sets quite late and I wandered from the station to the Grand-Place, a famous medieval square or plaza in Brussels downtown. The beauty of the place took my breath away: ancient 17th century gothic architecture and the sheer size of it all was stunning. I wandered about - finding tourists from all over, mostly were Americans although more and more Asians were coming to Europe as well. The cobblestone square is a public meeting place, originally it was the center of trade in Belgium and the surrounding buildings were the offices of 17th century corporations.
That day as I sat on the sidewalk watching the people pass, it was just a hang out for kids and tourists. People sat where ever they want, even in the middle of the square there were groups just sitting down enjoying the evening air. I saw an Asian couple sitting down eating ice cream, parents with their kids, a bald man on a bicycle and the funniest thing was a man walking by with a fat grey tabby on his shoulders - the cat had a bewildered look on its face and a leash was hanging down its owners back. At least it wasn't trying to run away, maybe it just got sick of walking.
I also saw a young indian mother with her 2 or 3 year old boy. He was running up and down the center of the plaza when another blonde 2 year old came over and tried to make friends. It was funny watching kids trying to make friends, awkward but honest at the same time.
I overheard a conversation, a grand mother, her son in a suit and tie and a young blond child were walking. I could only assume she was his daughter and her grandchild.
I listened to her tell her grand daughter, "A long time ago, one of your great-grand fathers lived in this building."
"A very, very, very, very long time ago," added the dad.
The girl just stared at the building, it was a large grey structure with gothic carvings and statues all over. Four stories tall but taller still with the large bronze domed roof and hellenic pillars framing the highest floors. A broad staircase leads up to a pair of large black doors, now closed. It's now an art museum.
"Did he die?" she asked
"Yes," replied the grandmother, "a long time ago."
There was a pause as she considers that. Then she grabs her father's hands and those of her grandmother using them as leverage to swing in between.
"Let's go.." she said.
History can wait I suppose, especially when there are so many more fun things to do in life. The last thing I heard was her laughter as she raced up the square with her father.
I took refuge from the sunset later that evening on the terrace of a tavern called Roy de Espange or King of Spain. It was at the southern end of the square (well south if you considered I came in from the northern side - I have no idea where north actually was). The food was considerably Belgian, but it was interesting at least.
By then I had wandered all over the small streets along the plaza, all of them winding somewhere or another towards more collections of old buildings that have been refurbished but still maintained that ancient austere look. It would be drag to tell about everything I saw, suffice to say it was rather dark and late before I was done - and had to take the taxi back as I was advised.
The next day I flew back. That was another adventure.
Everything changes to an extent. In the last days of my employment I realised that my being gone has in many small ways impacted the lives of many people, and in large ways impacted the lives of those who are closest to me. It just goes to show again how little thought went into all of this. Had I known they would be so deeply affected, I may have made the plans to a little smoother. I may have waited for the baby to be born of course and that among other things.
Though as things go, the decision was made and at that last moment while I had the opportunity to renegotiate the starting date, I did not. Well it wasn't an opportunity really, but such things can be created. After all I've been in the business of negotiations and the creation of opportunities. It should be my specialty.
In case it has not dawned yet, I'm back home waiting to head off to Singapore tomorrow. The trip to Brussels had been an eye opener and I'm clearer in the roles and expectation that I have to play now. The job is mostly the same except for the fact there are less people in the company and basically everything is more hands on.
In the dawn of night's sweet refrain
Among flowers and fields of grass
Where lonely hearts had often pass
Soft breezes blowing
The lonely stream flowing
Where the green envies nature's touch
In a place of peace and as such
The sun's great shine can never fade
And the snow and rain are never made
In a world of green and reddish blooms
And coy pink buds and orange plumes
May all the clouds lay down their showers
Or dark hearts come to pluck the flowers
You weaved the failing nature's loom
And drive away the coming gloom
Though my heart had died
And at times my heart had cried
I feel relinquished from the pain
Last night I dreamt of you again.
Copyright ©2007 Rizal Repin
Friday, June 08, 2007
and returned with mehendi-coloured hands,
ring-bound to a man from foreign lands,
eyes glistened with tears of happiness and confusion.
I've warned of love and loss,
yet still failed to see--blind.
Now as we danced to the rhythm of the Banghra,
a haunting yet joyful theme of happiness and regret,
though we praise and cheer,
the celebrations raze huddled spirits
that know and worry that our gifts are forgotten.
Like the mehendi we decorate the skin of Indian daughters,
a binding, artful chain that marks remembrance and promise,
until we are washed by water and time,
like we were meant to.
Copyright ©2007 Rizal Repin
Silver Prize Winner 2006
International Library of Poetry
Thursday, June 07, 2007
and rhythm becomes the words
movement and melody are her arms
and feet moving an invisible quickness
eyes expressive show a longing
marked of eye shadow
her lips curve into that smile
a half moon that beckons hearts to stop
and wonder-is she speaking to me?
there is rhythm in her walk
a gracelike that swan in flight
landing in the lakes, breaking
that perfect mirror
that reflect the perfect sky
her movement echoed by the chorus
that rippled through air like water
bursting again with energy
powerful and resolute
yet laced with deepening shadow
the dancer tells her story
rhythm becomes her soul and music
a canvas of paints we see
and only that from afar.
Copyright ©2007 Rizal Repin
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Most of the people here speak French and English and I was quickly introduced to some of the more colorful characters at the office. The first thing I did was try to troubleshoot my own email, seems like it didn't work, another Firewall issue. Gave up on that just about lunch time and continued after lunch with a discussion with the boss cum owners.
A marked difference from any Asian company was in the way they approached work. The first topic of discussion was of work life balance. Oooh we spent over an hour on this one, what was important, what my wife likes and dislikes - our work habits, what's she going to be doing, et cetera. Apparently they like to know these things so they can anticipate if the staff are going to have issues with the family or working too much and neglecting the people at home. How about that?
The learning curve is staggering as well. So much to understand, even things that we had assumed to be practiced or logical had other ways which make more sense to do. Obviously this would be a different experience from what I've had and I'd really need to catch up now.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I said that there was to be no goodbyes or farewells. I'm not that fond of goodbyes, they make me sad and that's the last thing I need now. The email was sent approximately at about 515pm, close to quitting time. After which I had to quickly leave, because the emotions were running a little high. I only came back later that night to quietly take my things and move on.
How can one say goodbye to ten years of memories? Everyone has become more like family rather than just friends. You love your family, and you don't leave the people you love. It's just not done.
On Saturday, just 4 days away I'll be leaving for Europe to begin my first week at the new company. It's just a familiarisation trip, and I still have little expectations, they probably have more to expect from me. I just hope my brain doesn't freeze up.
Definitely more to come.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
I feel guiltily unexcited
Fitting that I should arrive at the harbour
Where fortunes have been made
Jewels and gems that I neither need nor want.
Then too quickly lost in all that is modern, efficient
The drizzle follows me where I go,
As if rainclouds come from my arms
And my body - like the sky
White alabaster and grey dirty marble.
This is not my home.
But the strange humming of the driver
Like the lyrical singing of the Quran reader
Calling out sweetly and full of longing.
Monday, April 30, 2007
remnants of happier times
coffee mixed with tea
a bun of coconut jam and butter
inviting dark and light
sweet like a gentle gesture
of hands on hands
not what I'm used to. Aching.
sixty years on the walls
reminders that things change
but we remain old inside
an old haunt
a place for lovers
Copyright ©2007 Rizal Repin
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
It is then that I really fall into place with myself. The little moments of quiet contemplation or meditation does a lot to assuage any pain or anguish I may be harboring.
I'm afraid of being alone - but I like to be left alone. Does it make sense? It's not about being alone, but about being lonely. I suppose my greatest fear is to live life and die unremembered.
So I try to be still. There is comfort in the quietness of things. It reminds me that my fears are still alive that it is there in that empty room with me, waiting to steal a few more moments of my short existence. Fear robs us of our ability to move forward and our ability to live our lives.
In much the same vein, love does the same thing. Love freezes us from moving forward and only when we learn to let it go - little by little - we begin to learn to live again. It is with our parents, our first loves, our husbands and wives.
Yeah you may disagree. The purists will say love is always there and it evolves, changes as the relationship develops. But is not the evolution of love also is its dissolution? Don't we feel like it's easier to love less the longer the love lasts? If we did not let go of love, won't we all still be tied to our parents bosom - unable and unwilling to let go and move on? Maybe we don't want to admit it but as our relationship progresses, we become more comfortable to let go of love.
Maybe love is meant to be temporary and falls out as soon as we stop needing it? Maybe I'm wrong.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
You can download the full list from HERE .
FDA reports 16 related pet deaths, due to kidney failure, but organisations say the numbers are already into the thousands. Symptoms are lethargy, loss of appetite or vomiting.
I still haven't started on the check list the company's given me to clear out before I can leave. Maybe it's because I'm still thinking about it, maybe it's because I know there are a couple of things on the list that I just can't tick off yet. So why bother starting when you KNOW you can't finish it off. I'm such a procrastinator.
Apparently I'm a loser too. I just discovered my sister's blogs. Very nice. So spent a few minutes going through that. Then checked out the World's Best Travel Site... check it out, you won't be disappointed. But remember I'm biased towards the author.
Day by day as I think about the month of June 2007. It's a big month, a very important time. It means I'm starting someplace new, I'm moving on as they say. A couple more of my closest friends are getting married. CM in Australia is finishing his PHD and it's less than a month away from the Baby's due date. You know if I was an astrologer I'd be looking for strange lunar and planetary alignments, it's just too close you know? Maybe the universe or rather my universe is saying something - maybe it's been saying it but I've just recently listened.
I'm going down to Singapore early May to check out the company, have a meeting with the new boss, decide on the handover and maybe just maybe catch up with the relatives I have there. It's a lot to do for just one and half days. I've been fiddling with the idea of travelling to Brisbane to check on CM before he graduates - but there are things messing with the schedule. Not sure if its a good time to go, it's too close to the Singapore trip and the flights are full.
A psychologist said that trusting your gut instinct is important and the best decisions are the ones made without long deliberation. Apparently there is another brain at work, a subconscious lower level brain that processes intensely and rationally but at lightning speed. That's where hunches, gut feeling and all the gamut come from. Psychologists call it "thin slicing" defined as the ability of our unconscious to arrive at a conclusion by recognising patterns in situation and people based on narrow "slices" of experience. It's what I'd call your true desire. We don't know it, but it's there. When we felt that something is good and we do it, that's where the decision was made.
This move was rather like that for me. It was an impulse. Much like getting married. In the early weeks of the resignation in fact I did use that very same analogy. I decided to change jobs in much the same way as I decided to marry, rather suddenly, without thought or reason. It was gut instinct telling me it was time to go. Perhaps that's why in both occassions, I can't really describe my motivations. I don't really know... and that's how it's meant to be, I suppose.
Seen: Faces in my dreams
Heard: Heaven, Nidji
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope
Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again
I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back
And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope
Copyright ©2007 Switchfoot
Drifting further every day,
Getting lost within myself,
Nothing matters no one else.
I have lost the will to live,
Simply nothing more to give,
There is nothing more for me,
Need the end to set me free.
Things not what they used to be,
Missing one inside of me,
Deathly lost, this can't be real,
Cannot stand this hell I feel.
Emptiness is filling me,
To the point of agony,
Growing darkness taking dawn,
I was me, but now he's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late,
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed,
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye.
Copyright ©2007 James Hetfield
Thursday, April 12, 2007
We talk and talk. One word comes after another, but it is only when the music of the voice tells us that the full stop is coming that we finally understand where the words are leading us. We get on with our lives and facts pile up, but it is only when time allows us to look back at ourselves that we understand where our lives were leading.
It is only because the words succeed one another and then die that their meaning can emerge.
When our childhood comes to an end, we turn it into narrative, and when our lives are coming to an end, we discover why we had to live them. It is time that makes us aware of meaning, most times we discover them too late.
This is probably the longest I've ever spent in one place - almost 10 years. When it's finally close to being over I can't help wondering why I'm trying so hard to get away? Then after I've made the decision, why is it so hard to leave?
I guess I don't relate to change as well as I used to, being in one place for so long will do that to you. In recent days I've been struck by the very idea of mortality. We will change, we will move on, then we will die. It's nothing new but the finality of it all just hit me.
But why now? Looking back, all the past changes did not effect me as much as this one did. As a family we used to move so much that I had to change 3 kindergartens, 4 primary schools and 3 high schools. Then there was college, 2 years here then 2 years there. Emotional attachment never meant anything. I detach myself from people, places, things - it became a kind of defense mechanism against feeling the change.
I detached my feelings from my family, my friends - myself. So much so that I've often forget who I really am. When I find something or someone, I seem to willingly change, metamorphose into a person that would get along well with that person. I adapt quickly, even abandoning things that matter to me, or used to matter. I tell myself it's part of the change process. Repeat this a thousand times and it can be very damaging.
I don't think I can do that anymore. After 10 years of accepting people, faces, places - things; it's now so hard to let them go. It is as if I have gathered all the people and all the places and all the memories that matter to me, held them really close, locked them in my heart and never let them go. But then again everyone changes sooner or later - I need to learn something new, acceptance.
I don't usually remember people, places. I forget them. So I don't remember. I never take pictures of myself. I never take pictures with people. I don't collect trinkets or memories. I don't buy souveniers for myself. Nothing reminds me of anything. When something has passed, it is gone. Acceptance is a foreign word when there are no memories to accept.
So meaning is becoming important. I need to figure out what it all means.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.
I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
1) Publish my book.
2) Compile my poetry, maybe print some of them.
3) Fall in love and stay in love again and again...
4) Be at peace with myself and my loved ones.
5) Go to Mecca and complete the Haj.
6) Revisit the places that have created the best memories for me.
7) Be a good person.
Seven Things I Could Do
1) Be present.
2) Start writing my story.
3) Work on being happy.
4) Work on my marriage.
5) Keep in touch with my friends.
6) Love my family.
7) Have no regrets.
Seven Things I do to be Happy
1) Play RPG.
2) Connecting with friends.
3) Have a good conversation.
4) Listen to loud music - fun music.
I tag everyone who reads this... Let me know who you are in my comments so I can read yours! For those wondering why this is a revisit, check out the original post here.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Ode to a Muffin
I can't finish my muffin,
Oh what am I to do?
My stomach seems fully sated,
My mouth wish not to chew.
But oh wonderful muffin,
So rich with wild blueberries.
You seem so delicious now,
Truly the food of faeries.
There's only a small morsel,
left upon the cup.
Why, oh why please tell me,
Why can't I gobble you straight up?
You sit there and tease me,
And laugh as I choke my throat.
Oh muffin of wild blueberries,
Shall I stock you in my coat?
So then I can eat you later,
When my mouth feels like a bite,
But oh delicious muffin,
you're far too small and light.
Oh fair delicious muffin,
No more than a little lump,
My questions are without answers,
So have fun in the dumps.
Copyright ©2007 Rizal Repin
Friday, March 30, 2007
It was painful. At first I thought I bruised it or sprained it, but the pain was intense, especially if I tried to move it around. When I felt it, it really felt different, my upper arm was deeper within and I could feel the shoulder bone when normally it would be flesh.
We went to the clinic and the bemused doctor (wondering how the hell someone could do this at such late an hour) took his sweet time to write in a recommendation to the hospital. Still in pain, Pauline dragged me up towards the emergency entrance and I got checked in.
I had to do a couple of x-rays to make sure what it was. The surgeon showed up, racing from home - I have to be very thankful for that. It was 330am by this time. He said if he was in my position and the doctor didn't come he'd be swearing away at the fler. By now I had 2 doses of painkillers which were really not making much of a difference. They gave me 2 more, plus valium and an instant later the arm was back in place. I hardly noticed it, too high already by then.
In any case, they've got me in a sling and I've got limited arm movement for a couple of weeks. Can't move it even if I wanted to. Spent the night in the hospital, the first time ever in my life. But checked out by lunch the next day.
Monday I've got another checkup, this time he's going to give some exercises. I'll be in physio for a while.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
That I would never go?
Could you drink of my ageless love,
When the cups does overflow?
I shall always remember,
The memories I shared with you,
Forever etched in this longing heart,
Even should time split us two.
When you walk away my dear,
Please look a glance behind,
I shall be as shadows near,
My touch you'll always find.
I am still here for you,
Please believe this begging soul,
Life is worth for just one kiss,
From you my love of old.
as the weathered rocks are shown,
she shines upon the rocks and trees,
that lay hinged before the blown.
She strokes the gentle ocean tides,
as the soft green waves unfold,
and caressed the hills and countrysides,
that lay cuddled in the kindly cold.
She danced upon the quavering reeds,
as they shelter from the morning hue,
she kissed the green of a newformed seed,
that lay thirsted for the falling dew.
She hugged, with warmth, the newborn doe;
as it shivers in her blinding light,
she shines upon the dew that glows,
like a jewel on a darkest night.
Dawn lights the endless lands,
that dwell by the unknown,
she clings to day with her ending sands,
as she hinges before the blown.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Blown away so quietly, by a wind from the eastern sky.
You are like the eastern wind, coming from lands afar;
To bring the promise of eternity, to heal an aching scar.
I am like the falling leaf, blown waysides and beyond;
And I drift on your eastern breeze, so galeful yet forlorn?
You are like the eastern wind, blowing such sweet romance:
"Will you seek with me a deep true love, perhaps another chance?"
"I go where you go my love, my soul shall be forsake;
But I am but a wayward leaf, no passage do I take."
Then you like the eastern wind, blowing this soft caress;
You lift me far and lift me high but I'll fall down nontheless.
I am the falling leaf, dancing in your warm, sweet breeze;
But your winds will take you far away, each moment we must seize.
Then I the wayward leaf, will come gently onto the earth;
Your eastern gale has come and gone, my destiny you can't reverse.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Starting a family is challenging enough, starting one while overseas and distant from your close friends and relatives is even more so. Yeah we have acquiantances and family there, but I don't about the wife, I've basically been incomunicado with them for a little over 5 years now - the family I mean.
At the same time its also good to have time to spend with each other and really create that singular family unit - without any parental units to butt in. That's going to be a relief more or less. Less comments, less suggestions, less pressure, we're going to be left to our own devices.
I guess overall, I'm less worried about the job than about the hassle of moving there. Thinking of what to buy, what to bring over. Packing, moving, unpacking. Reorganising this and that. The logistics of "stuff" and "people" are going to be hell to organise, and I'm not the most organised person in the world.
So I decided to start yesterday night. Spent most of the night sorting out old files, letters, bills and cleaning out the bookshelf in the study that has been cluttered with our junk. Basically we're both a little bit paranoid about throwing things away, she more so than me. So once in a while I just need to crack the whip and throw away things that's been sitting on the shelves. It's amazing how much space old letters and receipts take, managed to collect a whole huge trash bag worth! Finished at 4 am though.
Next will be filing stuff. Probably get the files next few days and create a proper filing system for all the Important Stuff, and neat bins for all the Possibly Important Stuff, and smite anything older than 2 years. Eventually I'll need to check out both storerooms and seek and destroy more junk, make a list of all the things useful and then separate them to Keep Here, Bring Along and Give Away. Then it'll be the kitchen and the rest of the stuff in the house, which probably won't happen until later in the year when the whole family moves over. Books will definitely stay. At the rate we're buying I'll need a house just for the books. So much work. Urgh.
Woke up this morning feeling sleepy, wanted to call in a holiday, but had stuff to discuss with boss, and since I won't be sleeping anyway there's really no point in staying home.
Friday, March 16, 2007
So it's quite disturbing to think that I may not have much empathy for people. And you know what... given how anti-social I can be sometimes, it may be true. This empathy is described as being able to perform the trading duties, without any need for emotional support or having a need to give emotional support to the counterpart or customer. In simple terms to be able to sell something to someone and make decent money without feeling guilty or regret.
In social terms I don't know how to describe it, but I guess it's how well you connect to other people and "empathise" with them.
In his case, it was revealed that he had too much empathy for people and have the need to just help everyone. That's the reason apparently for his stress levels. Always trying to please too many people. Well as for me, I'm just happy pleasing myself. Does it sound like me? Yeah it kinda does. I hardly get stressed out if a delivery is screwed (because of forces I cannot control) or if I make an obscene amount of profit. Apparently some people do.
So while it seems like I'm suited for the job, I'm left wondering if it's the job that made me, or am I made for the job all along?
Well since we've seen the need, maybe we should start one. I mean the only alternative we have now is to actually call up hospitals, or go asking around people who's "done it." Of course knowing how friendly the local customer services here are usually, its not something I'm particularly looking forward to.
In any case, at the very least we will have to check out our chosen hospital. That much is okay, but they could have at least put more information in their website. There's absolutely nothing about childbirth information on their site. The same is true for a few other hospitals I've checked. The internet is nothing more than a glorified yellow pages for these guys, its like reading a prospectus or a brochure. So no imagination one. Useless in fact. For an example of a pretty good hospital website check out Beaumont Hospitals' site. Its in the US. Not the most flashy site, but all the relevant info is there. It's at least functional.
Looks like we'll have to manually do this. Bleh..
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
The question now is more about whether we're going to have a long one, that includes a Chinese name or not. I am open to ideas, so anyone feel free to suggest.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Makes sense because you never really know until the baby is born, seriously, seems like there's a still a good chance that the earlier scans (no matter how many times it was taken) could be wrong. Maybe the eyes missed something. Anyway, I was told of her sister who apparently was told over and over again that it was a girl. A last minute scans, we're talking about the day before delivery kind of last minute, confirmed it was still a girl. Then voila, out came the birdie! Whoops! Luckily they were prepared for both.
We've seem to be able to come up with more girls names than boys. The score is at least 3 to 1. But because of disagreements its closer to 2-0. Yup so sad, can't think of a name for a boy. Not to say that we've cleared the names with the Parental Units either. Parental Unit M is nearly insistent on a "religious" name. We're pretty much thinking global. To me, its got to have a good meaning and doesn't spell or sound like anything horrible in any major foreign tongue. Don't know what the in-laws think, although I doubt they will be as picky as Unit M. Unit F doesn't really have much to say about it, as usual.
As an afterthought, yes I've quit my last job and will be taking on a new one in Singapore. Yay! Of course current company being what it is, I've got to slog through another 3 months because they are insisting on a 3 month notice. Weird thing is they still haven't taken me off any major decision making roles... I'm still doing what I was doing and have just been made in charge of another product. Maybe the whole thing hasn't really struck home for the bosses. We'll see what happens next week.
Heard: Barry White, Let's Get it On
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
1. Sales are really good in Singapore. When they discount its a real discount and its actually stuff you want to buy, not the offsized, lemon green crumpled up mess of a shirt in the cheap bin. But nice stuff. Of course I could have just gotten lucky, but if anyone's been shopping in sales in KL may agree with me.
2. A little planning goes a long way. Everything is so organised. I've been down too many times to count. But its usually the day business trips, in and out in 8 hours kinda thing. So.. I have never really been "around" in Singapore. As in the tourist fashion. So its kinda fun. Of course you can probably cover the main attractions in 5 days (or less) the point is its amazingly well thought out. Locations, malls, public transport and even the converted old buildings are nice.
3. Cost of living is lower. Strangely yes. I thought it was stupid at first, but things are actually cheaper there if you were a SGD earner - dollar per dollar / don't convert. The only thing expensive is the housing and cars, that kicks the cost of living up a lot. Food and everything else is similar or lower. But some luxury imports are more expensive.
4. Lots of options for vegetarians. Didn't really notice this at first, but met a veggie friend there who said it was so. Then I begin to notice that there's at least 1 veggie only stall in every single foodcourt, this is not counting restaurants. Theory: we probably notice it more because a) its an island b) things are closer together.
Next trip will be in March, we're planning to watch Phantom of the Opera showing at the esplanade. Probably will be one of the last trips we take together as a vacation for the next year or so. I never did like the idea of travelling with infants.
Felt: Cautiously giddy
Seen: The Oscars
Read: Tom Holt
Friday, February 09, 2007
Buyer : Rizal And Pauline Inc. (Pauline and Rizal Co.)
Seller : God aka "higher being"
Duration : Evergreen with automatic renewal conditions
Product : Baby (gender undertermined) - CAS 600 600 644 644
Quantity : One
Quality : To be determined
Price : Oh you're so gonna pay
Payment : In advance
Delivery : Naturally, CFR
Shipment : ETA July 2007
Felt: Tired and hungry
Read: The Khairy Chronicles
Heard: El Grand Combo, Me Libere
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Anyway, fiddled with blogger but can't really get it to change much without suffering through too much work. The templates are useful, but all these additional widgets are so damn confusing to install and never seem to work right. A redesign won't be too bad either.
If you've been following the wife's blog then the news has been out for a while. We're expecting a baby. Well I say WE, but really she's doing all the work. I just have to worry for both of us. When I tell people about the baby, the typical response would be,
Look for utter surprise and joy, "Wow, that's so great! Congratulations!"
Nod Nod Smile
"So when is she due?"
"Oh you must be so excited!"
Its been a blur actually. Or rather I've been blur. I usually think what's the appropriate response to some of these comments and I haven't come with anything that I think describes the actual feeling. "Nice, great, excited" doesn't really cut it. Although the phrase "heavy with anticipation" comes rather close. Or rather the simpler "overwhelmed".
So yes, WE will be a having a baby.